For all of you that have yet to personally update, my most sincere apologies. About forty-eight hours ago, I up and moved to New York. I know, New York? When? What? Why? Trust me, I am still adjusting to the notion of being here myself, but if you would, allow me to explain.
After driving to Alaska this summer in search of some kind of connection with my father, I came away with the all too simple realization that he was gone. That if I were to take my life in any kind of positive direction, I had to leave him in the sea and make my life my own, rather than one held back in the fog of ghosts and shadows. These thoughts came to fruition far sooner than I expected. Those moments in your life when the clouds part, your eyes clear, and your body aches with excitement for the future, they are truly beautiful. So upon my epiphany moment, I jumped in my car, booked a ferry ticket, and drove thirty straight hours home. Exhausted and slightly delirious upon arrival, I promptly slept sounder than i had ever before for the better part of the next day.
When I opened my eyes however, I no longer felt excited for the future. Immediately as hope had come, it had instantly vanished. How could this be I thought? Merely two days ago, I had defeated those demons that had haunted me at my core for so very long. And yet again, the answer was simple. I had built my adult life upon a liar's chair. The things that I had achieved now seemed empty, hollow. I was trying to live a life directed by a man that I will never see again. Nothing was my own, nothing was the same. The only ownership I had over anything was a perpetual cycle of lies not only to myself, but to those around me as well. I felt guilty, I felt used, but worst of all I felt like I had betrayed myself and those most important to me by not being true to what my heart had told me long ago. So I bid my time. I worked this odd job, and that odd job. I made this goal, and talked about that dream, trying as hard as I could to find the easy solution to it all, but I knew better. I knew that I was scared, terrified even. I had invested so much of myself into those that I love in order to hide from my own fears, the thought of leaving that behind to stand on my own two feet was seemingly insurmountable. In the end, it wasn't fair and I knew it. If I were to truly give all of myself to the people I cared about the most, I had to become my own person first. This time there are no lies, only truth. Bold and bright, truth is a reminder of things lost, but it is also a hope for things to come, and when it it hits you, there is no turning back. So i made the decision I had longed to for so very long, I was moving to New York City. It was an opportunity to start a new chapter, my own chapter. To explore a city and a life that had been burning with the desire to start fresh for a very long time. It is a beautiful thing, to be scared, to be frightened, but to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and finally see your own reflection for the first time, there is no better assurance that you are on the right path. For those of you that I did not have the courage to tell I was leaving or to see in person, I am truly sorry. Please know I meant no disrespect, it was only because your presence in my life means too much to me to leave it at goodbye.
New York is truly amazing. Life here is vibrant and invigorating. Just by accomplishing the simplest of tasks here, you feel like you have truly done something special, that you can take on any challenge and come out better for it. My gracious, stunningly beautiful, and generous hosts, Whitney and Leilani, have been nothing short of a blessing. Their kind souls and open hearts have made these first few days something special, and I am truly indebted to them.
I do not know what lies ahead, but I know that for the first time I am living my life on my own terms, and I know that great and unexpected things are on the horizon. It has been a long and winding road, but I will never regret a minute of it. Take no experience, no person, no downfall, no triumph for granted. For if you want to be the person you have always wanted to be, if you want to look into the mirror and see a face you can be proud of, you have to first love and cherish all the moments that have made you who you are today. Sorrow and grief, remember, but do only that. Live in the present, and live for the life you've always wanted. Our time here is short, and you will only succeed by trying. It is all that one can really do.
So hello from New York! There will be many updates to come, so stay tuned for great things to come. All my love,
Ian
