The Land of Fucks, But(t)s, and Parentheses.

Feelings, feelings, feelings. So many feelings. 

God, feelings.

So (much) many fucking (fucking) (,) feelings.

Upon a day-drunk star, a fictional character said to another fictional character, “all we do is drink, fuck, and watch old movies in your apartment.” To which the once great, now legendary, Fox Moulder responded, “sounds awesome.” 

Ahh to be so wise amidst accusational hypocrisy.

Oh to be Jillian Michaels.

But I digress (dot) (dot) (dot) (period) (.)

I just feel so.... Inspired.

But then again, inspiration comes from expectation, and as we all know, expectation comes from pretense, and sadly pretense comes from naiveté, and naiveté’, well, that just comes from... (Fucking) feelings.

Those of you who are among us that are deemed naive are labeled (undeservedly) childish. Short-sighted. Sheltered. Unrealistic.

That being said, I think it might be time to try out this used car. Sniff around for a second, see how it smells. Give it the ol’ dog park greeting test. 

Lets be the sommeliers of the emotional spectrum for the moment. 

Those ‘people’, the deaf, the blind, the dumb, the Hellen Kellers of maturity impotence, they are nothing but kind, optimistic, daft individuals. To which, at this slightly (ha!) drunken and Showtime syndicated (‘boo’ said the loser with loyalty to only one-pay-per-view-channel-that-must-not-be-named) moment, seems down right admirable. 

If you were to adopt this beautiful and simple way of life, might you be scorned? Absolutely. Might you get burned? One hundred fucking percent. Would someone inevitably take advantage of your new found peace in some way, shape, or form? Yes, si’, and oui. 

But are the above listed atrocities a newfangled phenomenon in the world of naiveté‘? 

Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Because they (the naive) don’t! 

They keep on fuckin’ keepin‘ on. 

It is admirable really. To feel feelings. To be hurt. To be human. And then, as if it never happened, to wake up the next day to do it all over again with the same enthusiasm that Chris Hardwick and Michael Strahan save for shitty and contrived post-show-shows. 

I am not sure how we got here exactly, but now, that doesn’t matter, does it?

(Fucking) 

Simple.

LOL.  

Dad,

I wrote this some time ago, and came across it today. Ironic how timely these things that life brings before you. It is always good to take a moment to remember where you are coming from and appreciate where you are now.

I am leaving you. I am leaving you at the bottom of the sea where you belong. I will always carry you in my heart, but I refuse to let your presence burden my shoulders any longer. I love you, and as much as I try to tell myself otherwise, there is no getting around it. You are my father and that is all that it takes, I just wish that being your only son would have been enough for you. Do you know that I came here with the faint notion of never leaving, of burying myself next to you deep within the darkness of the all encompassing ocean, forever together at last? I imagined it, played it in my head over and over again.

Stark naked, standing still above the stormy sea, my inked skin quivering as lumps of cold flesh pushed outward, the wind whispering faint fears against foreboding ears. The time had come to make the jump. To plunge into the surface unknown, a depth only longed for, never reached. This would be the pinnacle of my pain, the end to my heartbreak. Peace would now carry my soul down to that which I desired most, my father. The wind blowing across my face, speaking to me, telling me it would all be ok. Then I jump, splashing into the water beneath. Immediately calm overcomes my senses. Peace radiates through my soul and I sink down to you. No struggle, no fear, just peace. 

The ultimate sacrifice. I would have done that for you, but then I actually stepped foot onto the place where you once lived, where you once breathed, the place that you left me for. I thought about the family that you sacrificed to follow your own selfish dreams, the deepest desires of your heart that teased you, the movie in your mind that made your life unbearable until you pressed play. In that instant, everything changed once again. 

I stood for something once. I used to be passionate to a fault, my convictions blinding me to the beliefs of others. Enabled by a love of life and an untainted belief in those around me. I miss that person, I long to be that person. You changed everything. You ripped the veil from my eyes in one unforgettable instant. A phone call that changed my life forever. I've lived like this for too long. Always thinking one way, then acting the opposite. I want to be a person that I can believe in again, and in order to do that, I have to stop believing in you. I'm burying you today. I'm putting you back at the bottom of the sea where you belong, never to haunt my dreams again, never to have your shadow second guess my every move, shouting doubts and disappointments as it follows loyally behind. I have learned from your death yes, but the suffering far outweighed any benefit long ago. I came on this journey in the hopes that I could be at peace with your tragedy, but now I realize that cannot happen. That in order to live my own life I have to leave you here, run away before you can find me again. It is only fair really, you left me once, now I am leaving you forever. I wonder what you thought of in those final moments of breath, and the few minutes without them. Was it me? Was it your wife, you sisters, your family? I'll never know, but then again I'll never really know anything about you. The father I remember made me feel inadequate, nothing I did was ever enough, or maybe it was that the things that I did do were always too much. My unrelenting fear inconvenienced you, my physical weakness was an obvious shame. I was ten, could you really have expected any better? Maybe it would be different if you could see the man I am today, risen from your ashes. I have learned from you that is undoubtable. I will never leave my family, I have dreams and I will achieve them, but never by sacrificing those that I love the most, leaving them by the wayside hoping, longing for contact. I'm told that you loved me, that you hung pictures of me around the places that you called a bed, but I never knew this. You never made me feel the love that others profess. I cannot, I will not, search for love that can never be found any longer. Despite everything, despite the anger and the grief, the hole in my soul that you left in your absence, I love you, and I always will, but I can't live with you any longer. The thought of you suffocates me, it turns everything I once thought to be beautiful into dark, ugly images of a half-life. I am leaving you here. I am no longer yours to keep. This is goodbye, may the ocean keep you beneath it's depths forevermore.

In one instant it became suddenly clear, the images that once gave me peace were just a child's dream, a son's longing for his father. To commit to such a thing would be a tragedy, not because of death or loss, but because it would have meant that through all the suffering, all the pain, that I learned nothing from your death. That I would have hurt those that I love the most, just like you, to indulge in some fantasy, the longing desire of a little boy left by his father. That would have been the greatest tragedy of all, but I have learned, and I am better for it. Now I know that I must bury you here, lay you to rest where you belong. You will haunt me no longer, your shadow will cease to exist. It breaks my heart, but I am my own man now and I am stronger than you could ever have been. I would travel to the ends of this earth for my family, to hell and back, and back again, and if that means leaving you forever, than so be it. 

This is goodbye, forever.  

For you, brother

"It snowed last year too:
I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down
and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea."

Love is not a word that comes easily. Love for us is a word that is said with reluctance of the heart, a word that holds tension on the tongue. Yet as little as it is said, we both know that there is nothing more pure, more true, when it comes to us. This is me telling you that I love you. That I'm not ashamed. That I'm not embarrassed. I'm not even certain, because when your heart feels something so pure, when your soul is confident in the hands of another, certainty doesn't even play a part. It is all knowing. It is all encompassing. To say that I would lay down my life for you is an insult, because much the opposite, we have given each other life in the form of will, the will to accomplish anything that we choose in this world. 

Our path is unclear and daunting. It has already taken us on journeys that we would have never imagined. It has brought us high, it has brought us low, it has brought us to the depths of this world and then back again, but we are ever stronger for it. It has given us the perception and strength that we need to do something special in this world. Something unfounded, something revolutionary. Something that brings us purpose and truth while we live, but bring us legend and myth after we pass. Something that puts us in the history books.

I am lost. I am a fool. I am everything that I hate, but when we are together, I feel like I can do no wrong. I feel like no matter the triumph or folly, I am on the right path. I know that with our passion and love combined the world is ours for the taking. I know that we will make mistakes. I know that we will fail. I also know that we will rise up again, better for our tribulation, and therefore our every fiber will burn to do the best we can in our endeavors. It is a long road, but when we come to the end, when the world has washed to the way side, whenever that may be, we will sit together, laughing, smoking, over a pint, talking about the old times like nothing had ever changed.  Without you my life is arbitrary. Without you I might as well be going out for caramels. How do you like them apples? Cheers mate. 

Hello From New York!

For all of you that have yet to personally update, my most sincere apologies.  About forty-eight hours ago, I up and moved to New York. I know, New York? When? What? Why? Trust me, I am still adjusting to the notion of being here myself, but if you would, allow me to explain.

After driving to Alaska this summer in search of some kind of connection with my father, I came away with the all too simple realization that he was gone. That if I were to take my life in any kind of positive direction, I had to leave him in the sea and make my life my own, rather than one held back in the fog of ghosts and shadows. These thoughts came to fruition far sooner than I expected. Those moments in your life when the clouds part, your eyes clear, and your body aches with excitement for the future, they are truly beautiful. So upon my epiphany moment, I jumped in my car, booked a ferry ticket, and drove thirty straight hours home. Exhausted and slightly delirious upon arrival, I promptly slept sounder than i had ever before for the better part of the next day. 

When I opened my eyes however, I no longer felt excited for the future. Immediately as hope had come, it had instantly vanished. How could this be I thought? Merely two days ago, I had defeated those demons that had haunted me at my core for so very long. And yet again, the answer was simple. I had built my adult life upon a liar's chair. The things that I had achieved now seemed empty, hollow. I was trying to live a life directed by a man that I will never see again. Nothing was my own, nothing was the same. The only ownership I had over anything was a perpetual cycle of lies not only to myself, but to those around me as well. I felt guilty, I felt used, but worst of all I felt like I had betrayed myself and those most important to me by not being true to what my heart had told me long ago. So I bid my time. I worked this odd job, and that odd job. I made this goal, and talked about that dream, trying as hard as I could to find the easy solution to it all, but I knew better. I knew that I was scared, terrified even. I had invested so much of myself into those that I love in order to hide from my own fears, the thought of leaving that behind to stand on my own two feet was seemingly insurmountable. In the end, it wasn't fair and I knew it. If I were to truly give all of myself to the people I cared about the most, I had to become my own person first. This time there are no lies, only truth. Bold and bright, truth is a reminder of things lost, but it is also a hope for things to come, and when it it hits you, there is no turning back. So i made the decision I had longed to for so very long, I was moving to New York City. It was an opportunity to start a new chapter, my own chapter. To explore a city and a life that had been burning with the desire to start fresh for a very long time. It is a beautiful thing, to be scared, to be frightened, but to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and finally see your own reflection for the first time, there is no better assurance that you are on the right path. For those of you that I did not have the courage to tell I was leaving or to see in person, I am truly sorry. Please know I meant no disrespect, it was only because your presence in my life means too much to me to leave it at goodbye.

New York is truly amazing. Life here is vibrant and invigorating. Just by accomplishing the simplest of tasks here, you feel like you have truly done something special, that you can take on any challenge and come out better for it. My gracious, stunningly beautiful, and generous hosts, Whitney and Leilani, have been nothing short of a blessing. Their kind souls and open hearts have made these first few days something special, and I am truly indebted to them. 

I do not know what lies ahead, but I know that for the first time I am living my life on my own terms, and I know that great and unexpected things are on the horizon. It has been a long and winding road, but I will never regret a minute of it. Take no experience, no person, no downfall, no triumph for granted. For if you want to be the person you have always wanted to be, if you want to look into the mirror and see a face you can be proud of, you have to first love and cherish all the moments that have made you who you are today. Sorrow and grief, remember, but do only that. Live in the present, and live for the life you've always wanted. Our time here is short, and you will only succeed by trying. It is all that one can really do. 

So hello from New York! There will be many updates to come, so stay tuned for great things to come. All my love,

Ian         

Regret

"Your soul is often times a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgement wage war against your passion and your appetite. Would that I could be a peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody. But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements? " 

-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

The storm rages within. The vessel of my soul is crushed by impending doubt. The sea drowns every flame of life with a cascading, frigid, fear. The sails have remained intact, but the rudder is lost deep beneath the surface. 

Hope is lost. It was a fools journey to begin with, to attempt to be the first, to revolutionize common thought. To explore uncharted territories only to proclaim that it was for nothing after all. The sacrifice. The sacrifice is only remembered in scars. Scars deep and searing with the regret of a conscious ill-fed with a fluttering dream. Desire and impulse have betrayed my good faith once more. How can one believe, when belief is the constant between failure and oneself? 

The darkness is suffocating. My body shivers and my hands shake. I try to clench a fist in protest, but fear holds my hand open like an old friend I wish to never have met. The world falls into itself as the bow splinters. The crew's voices fade as the sea reaches from it's depths and pulls them under. 

I close my eyes. 

Effortlessly you stand, smiling, laughing. The pure bliss we once knew together, I now only long for from a photo afar. The moonlit sky and cigarette smoke illuminate your weary faces like the Gods we worshipped, a memory that is distant and faded just the same.

I keep them shut. 

I am but the flick of flame. I burned bright in your eyes for an instant, but just like I came, you put me out.

And I keep them shut. 

We were invincible, inspired. Recklessly motivated by a world we so gratefully no longer felt apart of. 

And I keep them shut.

I am jealous, spiteful. Forever damned by the irrevocable action of abandonment.

They open with one last breath.

I close my eyes.

Magic and Memories

Forgive me, but I must integrate this next journal with the end of a decade of magic and wonder, Harry Potter. Blame it on the hype, tell me off for believing so deeply in a children's story, or just sum it up to my obsession with Emma Watson, but however you spin it, the last movie marks an end to the last ten years of my life, and for that I have no apologies. 

The end of an era. It has given my mind a chance to reflect on what has transpired in those years, and to look forward to what is still to come. Anyone who hasn't wandered their early years eyes shut and ears closed have experienced similar phenomena with relics from their own childhood. So please hesitate in judging me Star Wars fanatics who still have light sabers buried deep in your closet. We know that you haven't been hoarding it all this time to pass on to your future son, or to sell as some "antique" when it's really "worth" something. Take off your not-as-dusty-as-it-should-be storm troopers helmet and listen to what I have to say.

Moments in our lives like these are rare. Often times overlooked, because they come to a close in the early stages of blooming adulthood. We are made to feel like these childish fantasies are made to stay just that, a children's story, to cast them into our deepest memory banks, left only for nostalgia. For how could something so pure and innocent hold any real truth in a world so vastly different and so indifferently cold? I pity people of this mindset. Closed off to any possibility that there could be a solution to a pandemic of suffering right under their nose, right in front of their eyes. A carrot dangling in front of them that will never lead to a greater understanding, because it is made invisible by arrogance and intolerance masked by a false image of wisdom and seniority. Talk about magic.

We have been conditioned to believe in the greater good set forth by our leaders. We succumb to that which we are made to believe by those who would never give the time of day to actually get to know us as equals. Scoff as you will, tell yourself you are above all of that nonsense, that you are learned and independent, that you choose to believe only that which you deem worthy and pertinent. If that is true, if you are really so above it all, what happened to the stories that you believed in so wholeheartedly as a child? Who knew you better than that cherished book you snuck out to read late under the covers, flashlight beaming almost as brightly as the hope and wonder that it sparked in your heart? Think about those books, remember those movies, ponder the truths and ideals that they so strongly instilled in you. Courage, bravery in the face of evil, compassion for those that you loathed so deeply, fervor for the great adventures of your life that wait ever so patiently for you to take charge… Would we really be that bad off if those were the things that we chose to believe in?  

P.S. Emma, if you are reading this, please call. I'll show you the real Elder Wand.

Fear

As I travel down a path of limitless potential and unbridled curiosity, a road that I've longed to travel for years, I still find myself held back by a fear far too familiar. On a quest to conquer death and loss, to make something beautiful out of what is thought to be not, I am greatly saddened by this thought. I watch the waves crash against the ferry as it takes me one step closer towards closure, to a peace that i have yet to feel, but as I stare, fear encompasses my thoughts like an old friend I wished not to have seen. My heart beat quickens and my feet grow restless, my hands begin to shake, and a sudden faintness overcomes me. Will this feeling ever subside? Will I be able to look at the water one day and feel a blissful calm, or will it always get the better of me? If I jump, if I throw caution to the wind and dive into the waters unknown, will I emerge devoid of the fear that once haunted me so, or will I panic, splashing and thrashing until I sink back into the depths that I have always known? To be fearful is human nature, it makes us unique and the same all at once. It breeds caution, it is a necessary component to our survival, but for those who know it well, for those who let it consume them and guide their every minute, their every thought, their lives become only that, survival. This world beholds an endless amount of unseen beauty, so much of which is right before our eyes. Fear has made me complacent. It has created a person in anguish over the knowledge of a free life, a life that seems to be constantly one step ahead, mocking me as it passes by. I'm ready to break free from these chains, to look fear in the eyes, to confront it with a fiery passion that it has yet to see from the prisoner that it has held captive for all this time. So i reach out, I take one step forward and jump, head first into that which strikes fear in my heart. I let the water wash over me, cold as ice, it chills every bone in my body. Frozen by terror I close my eyes, ready to sink into the darkness below, but with a strength unknown, I pull my head back to the surface. I gasp for air, every nerve in my body on fire, pleading to let it collapse back into the cold, but I refuse. I choose to bask in the glory of this wondrous life, rather than cower in the fear of the unknown. I swim to the shore, renewed with the strength and determination of a man held back by nothing. Fear is nothing. Fear is a figment of our imagination. Live in the absence of fear, dismiss it like it was never there, and follow your dreams. If you can't follow your dreams, what's the point?